Personal Complicity in Rape Culture

There are times when following my own path demands deep self-reflection and acknowledgment of my complicity in a culture that does not support or proclaim the values that I hold dear. The recent discussions about “rape culture’ is one such moment. Insights can be difficult, spring from long ago behaviors and churn inside my wounded sense of identity.

Much has been made recently about teaching boys to respect women, learn not to objectify and participate in a conscious effort to bring rape culture to an end. It is my experience, however, that it is in our gatherings of men, at work, at bars, in locker rooms and at sports games that this destructive culture is most prevalent.

I was thinking about this issue and realized how many times over the years I have been in situations where comments, stories or statements are made that objectify women in these bastions of male privilege. In my work as a firefighter, I often encounter these types of behaviors. Confronting them is difficult. Over the years I have offended many co-workers by confronting these comments. There is a strange sense of no longer being a member of “the club”, bringing a fun focused conversation to an end and becoming apart from the group.

In my younger years I would let these comments slide; take the position of the hanger on, just happy to enjoy the camaraderie of the group. This has me wondering how much my lack of action contributed to the problem.  For the past decade or so I have confronted these behaviors when I encounter them, am I still invited to go drinking with the guys; not so much. The success is that their group is one person smaller and they know why.

This is the thing, confronting this culture is about the present, not the next generation. Young men coming into adulthood are still exposed to these gaggles of unaware men objectifying women as some sort of perverted male mass delusion of testosterone driven bigotry.

It is in speaking up every time that we can change this culture. Sometimes we may suffer a loss of community, friends, job promotions etc.  Yes, there is always risk in doing the right thing, but the risks we face are miniscule in the grand scheme of things when we consider the risks all women face if this culture is not brought to an end.

So my brothers, Today I invite you to look back on your life and consider if your need for male camaraderie has ever lead you to ignore individuals who contribute to rape culture.  Take up the task of confronting these behaviors, stand among men who you have a connection to and confront these behaviors. It is in the absence of women that these behaviors are most prevalent which means it is up to us men to manifest this change in culture.